Louth Shrinking By Four Square Metres Every Year


AN IMMEDIATE geological survey of county Louth has been ordered by the Department of Housing, Local Government and Heritage after a research team confirmed the longstanding suspicions of Louth locals.

“The shrinking is irrefutable, if it continues as its current trajectory of 4sq metres a year I’m no maths whizz but they’ll be no Louth left to love by 2029,” confirmed one local geologist, standing on a bit of Louth that no longer exists.

“It’s not coastal erosion, we can rule that out, no we think it’s some sort of bizarre psychological contagion; a phenomena whereby Louth people are so self conscious and aware of being the ‘wee county’ they have passed those worries and neuroses onto the soil itself which is shrinking due to a lack of self-confidence.

On the streets of Louth today locals shared their shock at the news.

“Ah sure, I don’t mind if it’s none of the important parts. Take Blackrock first anyway, up their own holes them lot,” said one resident of Da Town.

Elsewhere, residents in neighbouring Meath have expressed their suspicions, stating they believe the claims of shrinking are part of a ruse aimed at tricking counties into donating land until such a point Louth is bigger than Cork.