“Asylum Accommodation Selection Policy Is Really Clear & Straightforward” Says Government In Rambling 97-Page Statement

SEEKING TO finally put to bed the notion they have failed to implement a workable strategy for sourcing accommodation for international protection applicants they should have built themselves decades ago, the government has issued a brief clarification aimed at quelling any frustrations felt by local communities.

“Criteria by which we identify, select and utililise accommodation for International Protection Applicants and refugees couldn’t be clearer as we will show over the next 97 pages,” began a government statement issued in a rabbit warren in a random field at 1am.

“The* policy**, to date*** in conjunction with related bodies**** and departments*****, overseen by officials******, lays out in short, bite-sized digestible format the clear-eyed, joined up thinking which has seen effective rollout of best practice procurement policies,” continued the statement in its first of 14 chapters.

“Agreements in place for the purchase or leasing of building are ironclad until we change our mind because people who say they aren’t racist start protesting on the basis of people’s skin colour, it is at this point our long-term planning which is the envy of the world will be enacted and should result in buying up student accommodation several counties over, as was always the plan,” page 37 highlighted, going a long way to dispelling the myth that the government is making matters worse at every turn due to a complete failure in leadership and policy implementation.

“While acknowledging it was flagged months in advance that we would be creating a scenario were asylum seekers would be left homeless on the street, don’t go connecting the dots and blaming us for that exact scenario transpiring. If anyone is to blame, it’s whoever is responsible for creating the current scenario in which there are countless vacant properties and houses hoovered up in bulk by investment funds long after such things were supposed to be eradicated by new policies”.

“And while we have you, you may have read that there are enough active and valid planning permissions to satisfy current housing demands by nearly two-fold but don’t listen to those reports, what we need now is to change planning regs so people live in smaller apartments with less natural light, green space and new fire hazards,” concluded the statement on page 97 before adding ‘part two of this statement is due shortly’.