Category: LOCAL NEWS

N. Ireland Voters Torn Between Hate-Filled Unionists & Hate-Filled Nationalists

VOTERS in Northern Ireland are said to be agonising over which candidates to give their first preference vote to in today’s elections, with many torn between a hate-filled Unionist and a hate-filled Nationalist. Streams of voters leaving polling stations expressed their frustrations after being told during the last few weeks about the wealth of candidates… Read more »

Priest Makes Ash Curry With Leftover Ashes

YOU know how it goes if you’re a priest. It’s Ash Wednesday, you make a big batch of ashes and inevitably only half of it gets used, at best. It’s the same every year! You tell yourself, next year, I’m just going to make half the ashes I normally do, but then you go ahead and… Read more »

Insufferable Prick Giving Up Giving Up For Lent

A LOCAL self-described ‘gas ticket’ has confirmed that the only thing he will give up this Lent is the practice of giving up, WWN has learned. Cormac Connell, 31, explained to coworkers this morning that instead of giving in to ‘the oppressive Catholic dogma of Lent’, he will eat as much chocolate and drink as… Read more »

‘Blessed Are The Church Goers, For They Shall Park Illegally’, Cites Lost Gospel

RESEARCHERS have confirmed that parishioners attending mass should be allowed park wherever they please, according to a startling new interpretation of a 6th-century Syriac manuscript from a monastery in Egypt. The lost gospel, which was acquired by the Egyptian library 160 years ago, is being currently deciphered by a team of linguistic researchers, who agree the latest translation… Read more »