BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson, described by insiders as being ‘way too busy for this shit’, has issued an apology to the survivors of that thing in Northern Ireland and to the families of whoever it was that whatever it was happened to. “It was a terrible time in our history and we condone the… Read more »
A GROWING number of people ‘south of the border’ in Ireland have expressed their desire for ‘that whole Northern Ireland thing’ to wrap up, adding that it was high time that Northern Irish people just let bygones be bygones and moved on with life. The news comes following the release of a report that found… Read more »
AHEAD of a rumoured decision to prevent future prosecutions of British soldiers by introducing a statute of limitations, the British government is set to reclassify murders carried out by soldiers during the Troubles as ‘whoopsy daisies’. “We work shopped a few terms, but we feel this showcases our staggering indifference to the murder of people… Read more »
FOLLOWING Arlene Foster’s announcement that she is to step down as DUP leader party leader on May 28th, a frothing group of mothball smelling men have scrambled to the fore in a bid to become First Minister of Northern Ireland at the end of June. Looking like they’ve a questionable internet search history and skeleton… Read more »
AS the DUP wave goodbye to Arlene Foster, party members are looking toward the future and who will take up the mantle of saying ‘no’ to every effort to help Northern Ireland progress and prosper in any way. Here are the candidates: Edwin Poots The early favourite, Poots is favoured by DUP members on his… Read more »
DESPITE insisting to party members that things would get much, much, much worse if they’d just give her another chance, it appears Arlene Foster’s days as DUP leader could be over. As rumours persist that a majority of party members have passed a motion of no confidence in Foster as leader at a meeting held… Read more »
SINN Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has issued a swathe of apologies to ‘whoever wants one’ during an appearance on Times Radio, starting with condolences for the assassination of Lord Mountbatten off the coast of Sligo when she was 10. McDonald went on to state that she was sorry for other acts of anti-British aggression… Read more »
FRESH from recent ‘disturbances’ in Loyalist communities ‘up north’ WWN’s resident self-appointed Northern Ireland expert, Dublin native Paddy Fenton, believes he has unearthed easy remedies to the interminable problem that is Northern Ireland. “Oh what are they like,” teased Fenton, grinning the sort of grin only a man who has ‘solved’ Northern Ireland could. “I’m… Read more »
THERE was a real sense of excitement in the air today as Loyalist groups believed they were just a few more petrol bombs away from having their existence acknowledged by those in the UK who have absolutely no idea what Northern Ireland is. “D’ye know what way they plan on doing it? Is it Boris… Read more »
HER CLOTHES stinking of acrid smoke and some excess fuel on her hands visibly glistening in the light, Arlene Foster appealed for calm following a 6th night of rioting and attacks perpetrated by loyalist thugs. “She said the exact same thing in her behind closed doors meeting with Loyalist paramilitaries weeks ago, I’d show you… Read more »