Edwin Poots Has Nightmare About Being Eaten Alive By Fadas Again

FOR the 1,200th night in succession newly installed DUP leader Edwin Poots has had a nightmare about being eaten alive by zombie Gaelic fadas, a nightmare no doubt prompted by the news Sinn Féin are petitioning Westminster to intervene in the ongoing failure by his party to enact Irish language protections.

For Poots the push by Sinn Féin to ask the British parliament to implement Irish language laws has led to his usual nightmares taking on an even more sinister turn, with the DUP leader reportedly trapped in the horror and unable to wake from his sweat soaked slumber without help.

“Oh God not again,” Poots cried out as the clearly male letter É inserted itself through the hole in the clearly male letter Á.

“Gay Irish lettering, there is no greater abomination,” Poots brayed as the É curried its yogurt all over Á.

“It’s so vivid, the worst part is when the Ú is eating my legs and I ring for an ambulance and when they ask me my name I say ‘Édwín Ó Póóts’,” added Poots, who said in the 6,000 years of Ulster’s history, no one has spoken Irish there, not even the cavemen who hung around with dinosaurs.

Poots was so shaken by the dream he reportedly only sent 16 more letters to Emmanuel Macron about how Northern Ireland is part of the UK in the last hour.

Ahead of a vote on the DUP’s Paul Givan becoming Arlene Foster’s successor as First Minister, the moves made by Sinn Féin will likely all but ensure the Stormont Assembly will collapse by the time you have finished this sentence before entering its now habitual 2-year hibernation.