First Born, Envelopes Full Of Cash, A Go Of Your Wife: What Estate Agents Need To Secure You A House Viewing

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AS IT EMERGED estate agents are now asking for evidence of mortgage approval and total amount of savings from potential buyers in order to just secure a viewing.

In what is sure to be a vetting process that breaks all manner of GDPR, estate agents have claimed the vetting must take place due to a high volume of demand when it comes to viewing slots.

A WWN investigation has secured the full list of requirements sought by estate agents:

– Firstly, if you aren’t a vulture fund, please ask yourself; why are you wasting everyone’s time?

– To ensure you’re serious about actually wanting to buy the house you’re viewing, you may be asked to fight for it. Dueling parties will each be handed half of a broken pool cue and left to it for a half hour and whatever happens, happens.

– A go of your partner; any prospective first time buyer instinctively turns up to viewings in a gimp mask while whipping themselves anyway so offering up a night with your partner isn’t much of a stretch.

– Even after handing over a brown envelope of cash viewings act like a total eclipse, with pathetic unworthy buyers told they can’t look directly at the house and if they do, agents will blind them.

– “Call me Daddy”: a number of property firms will cancel a viewing immediately if the hopeful buyer or buyers do not refer to them as ‘Daddy’ throughout the viewing.

– A copy of the buyer’s 4-page ‘what I want to be when I grow up’ school essay from when they were 11. If the buyer’s present day life does not exactly match the essay they will be refused a viewing on the basis they are ‘unreliable’.

– Exclusive viewing rights to your first born. Being an estate agent is a high pressure job rife with stress, so forgive them if they want to secure the sort of pick me up only an adorable newborn or toddler can provide.

– In some areas of the country, estate agents are offering people the chance to win a spot in the queue to buy a house with a fun competition where people place one hand on the outside wall, and the last person to take their hand off, wins.

One such contest in Chapelizod resulted in dozens hospitalized from exhaustion and dehydration after holding on for days, until one eventual winner was allowed bid on the house. He was subsequently outbid by a Chinese corporation who bought the whole estate in one go.

– As per a new government initiative, estate agents have been ordered to look more fondly on homeowners who loudly state ‘wow, FF/FG are doing such a great job in government’ while looking around the gaff.

– Some estate agents are making things fair by not awarding the home to the highest bidder; instead, a ‘Price Is Right’ style challenge is in place where you can bid anything up to the secret price of the house, but not one cent higher.

– Single people inquiring about a property will be sent a 60 minute YouTube video of people laughing hysterically.

– Most people can function with just the one kidney, so honestly your shocked reaction to the estate agent armed with a knife now asking you to lie down in the bath filled with ice is a bit of an overreaction to be honest.

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