Dealz Security Guard Drafted In To Advise US Secret Service

A WATERFORD based Dealz security guard who never intervenes when someone is clearly stealing stock and appears deaf to the sound of the security buzzer going off at the shop’s entrance is to be drafted in to help improve US Secret Service security operations after another attempt on Donald Trump’s life.

Waterford City resident Amir Mirza (26) has built a solid reputation for himself in the last two years as a Dealz employee who has taken ‘none of my fucking business’ to new levels of excellence, paving the way for him to be called on by a security force in the grips of calamitous PR and security disaster that was the White House Correspondents dinner.

“Look you saw what went down, right? We’re terrible at this. We need someone operating ten levels higher than us and that’s where Amir comes in,” Secretary of Losing Wars Pete Hegseth shared with WWN.

“When you see Amir in action, not approaching any of the scrotes stealing stuff because he’s not paid enough to be harassed and beaten up, that’s the level the Secret Service, the DOJ and the FBI have to reach. There were way below those low standards the other night. Amir’s giving a presentation right now on assessing threats and making sure the CCTV doesn’t spot you making yourself scarce before it all kicks off,” explained Federal Beer Ingestor Kash Patel.

Mirza has said he was happy to help those with less security experience than himself, and would use his vast knowledge to make the world a better place.

“Eventually, with my patented methods of threat assessment you’ll be able to identity a scaldy bollocks from 150 metres away just by how wide their stride is,” Mirza told a completely entranced audience made up of the most senior security personnel in America.

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