Everything You Need To Know About Edwin Poots


DESPITE at first appearing a near impossible task, the DUP has successfully found someone worse than Arlene Foster to take the position of leader of the party.

Here’s everything you need to know about Edwin Poots:

Believes the Earth is 6,000 years old, while many believe he has the brain function of someone born yesterday.

Dinosaurs don’t believe Edwin Poots exists.

As health minister he pushed to charge women who elected to give birth via c-section rather than a natural birth £3,500 for the procedure.

Will likely have collapsed Stormont within the hour.

It is unclear if he’s any craic on a night out as he’s clearly never been invited anywhere by anyone.

As leader he vows to offend and denigrate everyone equally, which given his history of misogynistic, sectarian and homophobic comments will be a mammoth task.

Is ‘pro’ all the bad stuff and ‘anti’ all the good stuff.

Looks exactly like you’d expect someone named Edwin Poots to look.

Is expected to suffer from the same amnesia as Arlene Foster which will lead him to forget that it was his party that created the current N.I protocol mess by pushing and supporting a Brexit vote, using dark money, which has foisted hardship on his own party’s supporters.

Will have to commute from 1951 to Stormont every day.

His appointment proves beyond doubt just how serious the DUP are about securing a United Ireland.

Will celebrate leadership contest win with the world’s most heterosexual cake.