“Dare I Say, You’ve Made A Right State Of Our Old Haunt” King Tells America
DESCRIBING the current state of the United States as “not entirely what we had in mind,” King Charles III used a Tuesday evening address to a gathering of Washington dignitaries to suggest, as diplomatically as possible, that America had made an absolute balls of the whole ‘land of the free’ thing.
“I’m pretty sure we left this place in considerably better nick than this; a functioning legal system, a free press, an independent judiciary, where did all that stuff go?” Charles asked a small gathering of dignitaries on Tuesday evening, many adjusting themselves in their seats in an uncomfortable manner as the King of England’s words rang true, adding, “Dare I say, you’ve made a right state of our old haunt!”
The King spent the first day of his visit touring the capital, stopping at several landmark buildings and at one point standing silently outside the Department of Justice for what witnesses described as ‘quite a long time.’
“He just stood there,” said one aide. “Didn’t say anything. Just looked at it. Shook his head. Then walked away like someone had just shot his two Jack Russells.”
Charles also took the opportunity, during a private bilateral meeting with President Trump, to issue a formal warning about the long-term dangers of colonisation, drawing on what he described as “considerable first-hand experience in the area.”
“What we found, old boy, is that when one invades and takes a country for its own, the unfortunate knock-on effect is the savages want to avail of their newly found citizenship,” Charles said. “Which can backfire terribly.”
Before parting, Charles took a moment to apologise on behalf of the British Crown for all the Irish immigrants.
“Sorry about all the Paddies,” he said. “Absolutely our bad on that one.”
Trump nodded slowly before offering his assurances.
“Don’t worry, Big C,” the President said. “We’ve plenty of cages to fill.”
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