AMERICA has reached the very grim milestone of 250,000 Covid-19 deaths… but has it, like, really though? We hand over these pages to our new investigative unit WWN ConspiraSEE who tasked themselves with getting to the bottom of these claims but found a truth far more sinister: There are some universal truths we can accept;… Read more »
THE QUICK-ACTING Vintners Association has announced the introduction of over 5,000 vending machines nationwide which will be installed in every pub and will contain the newly founded Covid-19 vaccine, WWN has learned. Costing €20 a syringe, customers can self-inject themselves upon entry to their local bar without having to worry about signing their names or… Read more »
WITH THE Taoiseach pouring cold water on the Tánaiste’s suggestion that Ireland could go into a ‘circuit break’ short and sharp lockdown, the Irish public have immediately resigned themselves to lockdown 2.0 becoming a reality imminently. “Say no more, lockdown it is, ” responded the public when told by the government that a lockdown was… Read more »
WITH THE news the government is looking into implementing fines for non-essential cross county travel and non-compliance when it comes to wearing masks on public transport ranging from €50-€200, WWN has sought to satisfy the public’s demand for more information on the full range of fines. Are the following fines a good deterrent against belligerents… Read more »
THE nation has given An Garda Síochána’s Operation Fanacht two very enthusiastic thumbs-up, citing the epic tailbacks on all major routes around the country as a welcome return to the drudge and misery of everyday life. “I had been very worried about the Coronavirus for months now, so it’s nice to have something even worse… Read more »
NEWS that visors are virtually useless when combating the spread of and exposure to Covid-19 is just the latest example of 2020 refusing to give anyone a break, even for five fucking seconds. “Jesus, we’re just trying our best and following guidelines but this ceaselessly malevolent, unextinguishable dumpster fire of the year just won’t let… Read more »
THE handful of White House staffers not yet infected by president Donald Trump expressed new worries about his condition shortly after he began conversing with the pulsating bulge of Covid-19 now emanating from his neck. “What’s of most worry really is that his condition has taken such a bad turn, the symptons now include talking… Read more »
FOLLOWING a controversial appearance on Claire Byrne Live yesterday evening during which he threw NPHET under a bus, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar has sought to clarify his remarks which included him stating ‘nobody on NPHET would face going on PUP in Level 5’. Unintentionally opening the floodgates and declaring ‘open season’ on NPHET, a body who’s… Read more »
THE GOVERNMENT’S top negotiators were cracking open the bubbly last night, after successfully talking the Coronavirus from a Level 5 total-country shutdown to a more reasonable, ‘everybody wins’ few weeks of Level 3 restrictions; an agreement sealed with a gentlemanly spit and handshake. “You just have to know how to talk to virus in a… Read more »
HAVING declared that her country has once more ‘beaten the virus’ New Zealand PM Jacinda Ardern has been asked to ‘read the room’ as virtually every other nation in the world is still struggling with active spread of the virus and doesn’t appreciate such brazen examples of competent political leadership. “Beating it once, sure, great… Read more »