THE QUICK-ACTING Vintners Association has announced the introduction of over 5,000 vending machines nationwide which will be installed in every pub and will contain the newly founded Covid-19 vaccine, WWN has learned.
Costing €20 a syringe, customers can self-inject themselves upon entry to their local bar without having to worry about signing their names or social distancing, something publicans up-and-down the country have welcomed.
“You don’t even need a token, just stick that baby into your arm and spend your money on lovely pints,” one overwhelmed bar owner told WWN, tears of joy welling up in his eyes.
With claims of an initial 90% success rate during phase 3 trials, cautious publicans called on customers to take multiple vaccines, just to be sure, as they never want to go through another brutal lockdown ever again.
“Lock-in, more like. I’ll probably buy two, one for each arm,” insisted bar regular, 67-year-old Paddy Shields, who admitted to be absolutely gasping for pints since March, “stick as many of them in me as you want. Hook it to my veins, stick them in the Guinness tap, the peanuts, crisps, whatever to fuck; just open the pub for Christ sakes!”
However, there are fears that the vaccines will, like another item dispensed in pubs machines – condoms, languish unused in male patrons’ wallet for years.