HERALDED the world over as the key to ending our pandemic ravaged lives, Pfizer and BioNTech have confirmed the key part one Irish intern at their Ringaskiddy, Cork plant played in their newly unveiled vaccine.
“The vaccine was about 5% effective until this little idiot intern spilled flat 7UP all over some samples we were working on, and somehow he has bested the greatest scientific minds in the world,” explained head of Pfizer Dr Albert Bourla, “we’ve never seen something we this kind of high level of medicinal might”.
16-year-old Sean Rafflin, a transition student on work experience, spoke to WWN about the role he played in the defining scientific breakthrough of our times.
“Fuck, Mam’s going to kill me,” explained Rafflin, his voice breaking several times as he failed to understand the gift his accident has provided to humanity.
“I can just hear her raging at me now – ‘do you know uncle Larry had to beg his boss in Pfizer to get you that work experience and look what you’ve gone and done, ye big eejit’, ‘did ye not see the ‘no eating or drinking in the labs’ signs, ye clown'” Rafflin continued, getting teary-eyed and failing to see scientists popping champagne in the background.
Rafflin explained that he slipped on a loose sausage that had fallen onto the floor from his jumbo breakfast roll, and in the process accidentally spilling the contents of a bottle of 7UP in his hand at the time and dousing vaccine samples.
Asked if he was unhappy that the founders of BioNTech Ugur Sahin and Ozlem Tureci, both the children of Turkey immigrants in Germany, were getting all the credit, Rafflin remained humble.
“Jesus Christ, please, you won’t say anything to my Mam, will you, she’s picking me up in a minute. She’ll have a conniption”.