“IF I’ve told her once I’ve told her a thousand times,” howled frustrated 4-year-old dog Max as one of his owners plonked herself down on the couch in a towel, insisting she dry her hair and covering the couch in the process. Not meaning to sound ungrateful, Max made sure to state he loved humans… Read more »
THE roll-out of a new form of lab-grown meat is to be rolled out in secret to kebab shops around the world, in a bid to slowly ingratiate the substance to meat-eaters before revealing its true origins, much as how a mother might wait until her family was finished a delicious meal before revealing that… Read more »
2020 continues to bring fresh challenges to us all; the latest being the scourge of zombie coronavirus mink herds, leading experts to issue a checklist to ensure you and your family’s safety in this new twist of the 2020 knife. The guidelines come following a botched mass-cull of the animals in Denmark, aimed at curbing… Read more »
FACING A precarious financial crisis which could result in the full permanent closure of Dublin Zoo, officials at the zoo have turned to locals to help house and feed the animals until the necessary funding is found. “We haven’t been paid in months and now I’ve t’live with this moldy prick who hogs the remote… Read more »
WORRY at news that minks bred for their fur in Denmark now carry a new strain of Covid-19 and could be subject to a mass cull has been eclipsed by the shock felt by many upon discovering that Ireland has mink farms of its own. “Wait a fucking second, I’m reading hear that mink in… Read more »
A FIENDISH UK based cat who’s evil, like all cats, knows no bounds has admitted to purposefully catching the Covid-19 virus in a bid to kill off its owner who has slavishly served the cat’s every whim for the last 6 years. “Meow!” explained grey tabby Merlin, as the first UK based pet to contract… Read more »
BARRY LOONAN (49), clearly a sick, sick individual spent upwards of 5 hours engaging a donkey in conversation, regaling the poor animal with the sort of anecdotes and mindlessly boring shite talk that would cure chronic insomnia in an incident horrified animal welfare workers have called ‘the worst they’ve ever seen’. “He’s a sick scumbag… Read more »
ANIMAL experts have noticed disturbing signs that suggest the world’s cats are somehow becoming ‘more aware’ of the spike in mortality rates thanks to Covid-19, and are eagerly awaiting making a feast of your remains after you die. “It’s like they can smell the death in the air” said feline expert Augustus O’Flynn, speaking from… Read more »
WHILE the world’s humans have been caught up in their struggle to contain the Covid-19 outbreak, very few have given much thought to the hurt caused by those vicious social media trolls who have tracked down and exposed the identity of the bat allegedly responsible for facilitating the cross species contamination. Derek, a Hubei based… Read more »
A RARE shorted-necked giraffe, believed to be one of just 7 left in the world, is being protected by zookeepers in Dublin zoo after other giraffes began to systematically bully and isolate him. K’Cenon, a rare African parvulus giraffe which only occurs in one in a million births, had moved to Dublin zoo 4 months… Read more »