Tag: animals

ISPCA Called After Man Talks Hind Legs Off Donkey

BARRY LOONAN (49), clearly a sick, sick individual spent upwards of 5 hours engaging a donkey in conversation, regaling the poor animal with the sort of anecdotes and mindlessly boring shite talk that would cure chronic insomnia in an incident horrified animal welfare workers have called ‘the worst they’ve ever seen’. “He’s a sick scumbag… Read more »

Cat Looking Forward To Eating You When You Die

ANIMAL experts have noticed disturbing signs that suggest the world’s cats are somehow becoming ‘more aware’ of the spike in mortality rates thanks to Covid-19, and are eagerly awaiting making a feast of your remains after you die. “It’s like they can smell the death in the air” said feline expert Augustus O’Flynn, speaking from… Read more »

Last Known Tamogotchi Dies In The Wild

SUFFERING what vets on the scene have confirmed as chronic battery failure, the last know tamotchi has sadly died in the Etosha National Park, in Namibia. “We were too late,” a disconsolate vet Anders Ahrens said, cradling the recently perished tamotchi in his arms, a study in profound grief. It is believed Tolo the tamogotchi… Read more »

500 Million Red Bulls Slaughtered Annually To Make Popular Energy Drink

ANIMAL rights activists have called on the world’s largest energy drink manufacturers to stop the annual slaughter of 500 million red bulls, urging them to substitute the animals liquidised genitalia for another ingredient instead. “It takes 12 pairs of fully grown red bull testicles to make 100 cans of the energy drink,” a spokesperson for PETA explained, “this is such… Read more »