ONE LOCAL trustworthy puppy breeder will absolutely meet you in the Tescos car park at midnight with the caveat that once the transaction is complete you act like you never met him and when the guards come knocking on your door you don’t fold like a deck chair.
“Me? Ah yeah fucking love dogs. Shut the fuck up you little fucking rats! Sorry, they do be barking something awful when you haven’t fed them for 4 days,” absolute not a puppy breeder Seanie McHalton said, while showing off the Cockapoo-Frenchie-Bernese-Labrador mixes he has for €1600 a pop.
“They’re chipped and vaccinated and I have the forged documents to prove it. And since I’m doing you a solid and making you a hero to your kids, just remember if the guards ask, not sure why they would but if they did yiz never heard of me,” added McHalton, instilling confidence in his credentials as a caring and ethical dog breeder by swallowing his sim card in front of you.
“No that’s not kennel cough, it’s just this little fella is so inbred his nostrils are the size of pea and he’s a heart on him like an asthmatic ash tray. Be grand,” continued McHalton, who didn’t bother with the ‘myself and the missus have never had puppies before we thought our dog had the snip’ routine.
“You sure you don’t want two?” offered McHalton.
“It’s just if I don’t shift these soon they’ll start costing me more in food so I’ll be throwing on soon train tracks,” confirmed the straight up, no-nonsense man before showing you a watermarked picture of the farm he pretends to live on.
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