Tag: health

Number Of Drunk Idiots In A&E Falls To 250 Year Low

SCIENTISTS are investigating a possible side effect of Coronavirus infection spread after startling data from Irish A&E departments show a stark drop in the number of avoidable drink-fueled injuries, minor complaints and non-life threatening illnesses, WWN can report. Casualty departments across Ireland are showing almost zero waiting lists for the first time in nearly 250… Read more »

WHO Confirm You Picked Wrong Year To Quit Drinking

ALTHOUGH agreeing that your declaration that 2020 was ‘your year’ was a noble one, the World Health Organisation has stated that the current Coronavirus crisis has probably put the clamps on your plans to remain drug and alcohol free, as well as any notion that you might ‘run the marathon’ as well. Hundreds of thousands… Read more »

Divorce Rates Skyrocket As Couples Forced Into Self-Isolation

A SPOKESPERSON for co-habiting couples around the world has said that precautionary self-isolation action needed to stave off the spread of Covid-19 could result in a cataclysmic rise in divorce rates if couples are forced to spend two solid weeks of uninterrupted exposure to their partners in a confined setting. “Please, oh God, there’s got… Read more »

Ireland Officially Changes Covid-19 Status From “Be Grand” To “Alright, Fair Enough”

WITH TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar confirming the need to temporarily close schools, creches and colleges along with guidelines on limiting public gatherings and events to limit Covid-19 spread, the Irish people have come together as one and officially agreed to raise Ireland’s emergency preparedness levels above “sure it’ll be grand” for the first time in its… Read more »

Local Introverts Celebrate Cancelled Events

QUIETLY whisper-shouting a celebratory ‘yes’ to themselves under their breath, the world’s introverts, along with those who suffer from varying degrees of social anxiety, are delighting in the havoc being wreaked by Covid-19 on social gatherings both big and small. “Oh God, this is better than sex,” confirmed one introvert as she poured over the… Read more »