GWYNETH PALTROW, part-time actress and full-time spreader of reckless homeopathic ‘remedies’ which could put people’s health at risk has taken a break from selling candles that smell like her vagina to return to her true passion in life; telling women what they should shove up their own vaginas. Not to be discouraged by the fact… Read more »
USING advanced technology first utilised by the supermarket industry, the Minister for Health Simon Harris has launched new A&E trolley bays with euro coin slots to curb the problem of overcrowding. “We’ve looked at why there’s record numbers of patients on trolleys, and since we already know it’s nothing to do with the government or… Read more »
AN OFFICIAL patients handbook being circulated by the Department of Health urges those requiring medical care of any kind to spend seven years retraining as a doctor as it’s quicker than some HSE waiting lists, WWN can reveal. “Some of those open heart surgery YouTube tutorials are honestly very good, just make sure to sterilise… Read more »
FULLY EMBRACING the concept of Dry January one local man has funneled some quick-dry cement up his nostrils in a bid to curb his use of cocaine over the coming weeks. Expanding on what some consider ‘drastic action’, local man John Shothall explained that he had found Dry January quite easy to complete in previous… Read more »
EXCLUSIVE INSIDE sources from the office of the Minister for Health have told WWN that hospital consultants who voted in favour of strike action think they’re better than you and that they’re too good for inferior pay, unsafe working conditions and long hours. The government have denied that they felt the need to spread the… Read more »
MINISTER For Health Simon Harris and Minister For Housing Eoghan Murphy are said to be skipping around Leinster House in jubilation today, after seemingly cracking both of their troublesome, scandal-ridden briefs with one simple brainwave. Murphy, facing down the barrel of a vote of no confidence due to the ever-escalating housing crisis, assembled his fellow… Read more »
BRITISH PM Boris Johnson had been in the middle of a speech angrily denying claims that his government would sell off the National Health Service to the US when a crane began lowering a ‘Trump’ sign on the roof of St. Thomas’ Hospital in London. Refuting the contents of the 450 pages of documents leaked… Read more »
A VIGIL is being held for the HSE tonight, after a Department of Health committee opted to keep the ailing service alive despite the fact that it ceased to show any signs of brain function a long time ago. The HSE had once been a vital, truly great hope for Irish health care patients, but… Read more »
THE government has asked for everyone in Ireland to keep the HSE in their thoughts today, after the ailing health service was rushed to A&E in the early hours of this morning after suffering a near-fatal fall in confidence. The 14-year-old system has been in ill health following a long history of abusive relationships with… Read more »
“Hydration is key”; the phrase most uttered by Dublin woman Susie Breen (27) who since kick-starting a new ‘health and wellness’ routine earlier this year has had a stainless steel water bottle glued to her hand, constantly used to replenish her body’s water stocks. No matter the time of day or social occasion, Breen has… Read more »