“Free Contraception Comes At The Price Of Eternal Damnation”

AS part of WWN’s Opinions series, we give a platform to people we really shouldn’t. This week, it’s the turn of Bishop Cornelius Byle who has some thoughts on the news that soon contraception will be free for women between the ages of 17 and 25.

While Christian science has confirmed the only reason any harridan would get the contraceptive pill is solely to break the Guinness world record for most sexual partners, some God-fleeing women are actually proudly voicing the fact they take the Devil’s dib dab.

Eternal damnation is completely free if you’re a lady woman of 17-25 years of age, read all about it! Now, I’m well aware that the word of your local priest in Ireland is no longer held in the high esteem it once was, but if I can convince just 1 or 2 million Irish women to ditch the pill and have children at will I’ll have done my religious duty.

Know that if you take the pill you’re basically a spermicidal maniac and have bought a one way ticket to hell, and the Dart to the Devil runs on time and you can’t just get off when you feel like it. In fact, getting off when you feel like is part of the problem.

The only one permitted to do irreparable and irreversible harm to untold millions of children without any repercussions is the Catholic church young ladies so shape up and get in line.

Now, I’m all for women’s rights and I’m something of a feminist myself but I think we can all agree it’s gone too far when a woman doesn’t need signed permission from the Archbishop before making these decisions.

I blame Harry Styles and his fashion choices for confusing everyone, imagine a world where people idolise and hang on the every word of a man dressing in androgynous frocks while prancing about on a stage. You wouldn’t catch me doing that outside of mass.

What next, exclusions zone around hospitals so devout Christians can’t harass women accessing abortions? Really? You’re not fucking serious!

PS. This isn’t over, while you’re off enjoying your so-called rights, we’ll be working behind the scenes to pressure politicians to reverse all this. Might take us a few decades, but we don’t mind, we’re patient.