Mary Lou McDonald Issues Apology For Theft Of Trevelyan’s Corn

SINN Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has issued a swathe of apologies to ‘whoever wants one’ during an appearance on Times Radio, starting with condolences for the assassination of Lord Mountbatten off the coast of Sligo when she was 10.

McDonald went on to state that she was sorry for other acts of anti-British aggression in Ireland, not limited to but including;

• Countless instances of ‘Brits Out’ graffiti on toilet walls, lampposts, bus stops and school desks across the country
• The theft of corn from a hated British colonial administrator in the classic but highly insensitive anti-colonial anthem ‘Fields Of Athenry’
• Cheering loudly when Gareth Southgate missed his Euro 96 semi-final penalty against Germany
• Wearing an Easter Lily badge during the month of March, a callous and cold-hearted two-fingers to the families of British soldiers who were killed or wounded during the 1916 Rising
• Any and all activity by the IRA over the course of the Troubles, under whatever circumstances or provocations, just an outright apology for everything in one go
• The tricking of the Scottish giant Benandonner by the sneaky Fenian bastard Fionn McCool, leading to the construction of the Giant’s Causeway, a monument to anti-British sentiment that should be torn down immediately.

Having apologised for everything ever said or done in the midst of war and conflict by Republicans against the British (who McDonald now accepts ‘aren’t all bad’), the SF president suggested that Ireland might now be in a place to ‘move forward and leave the past behind’, a suggestion that has been shot down by both the British and Irish governments.