Ireland Enters Chapter 7, Paragraph 2, Verse 19 Of Proposed 118 Phase Re-Opening Of Country


THE government today outlined the latest details of its roadmap for dealing with Covid-19 having ditched the earlier 5-phase journey from earlier in the year in favour of a 118-point plan that it is ‘kinda getting sick of having to explain to you plebs’.

“Look, it’s all there in article 14, sub-paragraph 10; pubs in Dublin are to remain closed, but pubs in surrounding counties can be visited by travelling Dubliners, provided they eat a substantial meal and travel in a taxi that hasn’t had more than four passengers that day, pending an assessment of easterly winds,” explained an exasperated Taoiseach Micheál Martin earlier today.

“You can have 6 people in your house, sorry, 6 visitors. Not including the people already in the house, although if 20% of the overall people in the house have an average age of 65 or over, then the entire group of people must enter a 14-day self-isolation period which we’ve now changed to 10”.

“This doesn’t count for key medical workers or meat plant employees, who can return to work if their employer is known to the ruling parties. Oh, and weddings are limited to, let’s say, 100 people. Based on size, of course – if the average BMI of each guest is 25 or over, that will limit the amount of people that can attend. It’s all right there in black and white! Comprende?”

Martin went on to state that the government is ‘through holding everyone’s hand’ on the subject, and that if there are any elderly or isolated people who need help navigating the guidelines, then they should download the Covid-19 tracker app to their phones and engage in an automated conversation with the in-app bot named Charlie, who only speaks in Irish for the moment.