Investment Fund Attends Ribbon Masturbating Ceremony Outside New Build-To-Rent Development

THERE were beaming smiles all round as an investment fund which spunked €50mn on a build-to-rent apartment development unveiled the impressive accommodation at the official ribbon masturbating ceremony.

“Just think of the fucking returns on this bad boy when we convince the council to rent it off us for 30 years,” said one investment fund member completely covering large sections of the satin ribbon.

“Locked them in for upward only rents, rent yields… rent… YIELDS! Fuck me I’ve made a mess,” added another member so lost in masturbatory bliss a fresh hike in interest rates barely registered.

A particularly aroused member of the investment fund said this latest blanket purchase of apartments, which only got planning permission a decade ago on the proviso it would not be sold in bulk to investors, was the most emotional and satisfying purchase yet.

“I suppose I’m so horny and have an erection on me that could breach the hull of a submarine because it comes at a time when some Irish people feel like the tide could turn in their favour and the property market might become more rational to which I say ‘keep talking, I’m almost there’. Naivety and crushed hope is my biggest kink,” said the man climaxing mid-photo op to large cheers.