Doctor Tells Man Who Ran Dublin Marathon His ‘Nipples Will Never Be The Same’


SOME 48 hours on from the excruciating hell that is the Dublin marathon, local man Ian Reilly remains in A&E with a debilitating case of ‘fried pepperoni nips’ brought on by the friction between his marathon singlet and his chaffed nipples.

“It’s like you’ve been breastfeeding twins made entirely out of barbed wire, oh boy,” said a shocked Dr Farooq Ahmed, treating Reilly after a brief day’s wait in A&E.

“I’ve seen less blood at a Halloween Horror movie marathon,” added Dr Ahmed to Reilly while beckoning in med students to observe this rare and hilarious bloodbath.

The real tragedy is that Reilly’s 18 agonising hours waiting in A&E for treatment meant 18 hours of not been in a condition to upload nauseating selfies of the marathon to social media accompanied by lengthy statement about resilience filled with empty CEO podcast jargon.

While overall winner of the marathon, Ethiopian Kemal Husen, completed the course in 2 hours and 6 minutes, Reilly finished it in just 436 screams of “me fuckin’ nips”.

Reilly’s suffering has done some good however, as Ireland’s current blood donation shortage has been solved by a nurse simply following the 40-year-old runner around while placing a bucket under his chest.