We Conducted A Séance With Micheal Jackson, Here’s What He Told Us


PAYING someone to conduct a séance of a dead celebrity is cheaper than you’d think, so after our successful séances with Diana (yes, the Queen ordered it) and the Queen (the bitch deserved it), WWN turns its attention to pop star Michael Jackson.

With the help expert clairvoyant Claire Voyant (changed her name by deed poll) we hoped to connect with the Thriller singer and get answers to questions about the most controversial aspects of his life.

WWN: “Micheal, are you there? Is there anything you want to tell the people out there?”

MJ: “The key to life as in building is solid foundations”

WWN: “Good advice, Michael, what was a favourite song of yours?”

MJ: “Raglan Road, guaranteed to get me singing I was a divil for it”

WWN: “Another thing you were apparently a divil for; did you touch those boys?”

MJ: “Ah would you go away and shite, a few slaps outside Dino’s of a Friday night, what 30 years ago? And this is what you bring up in a séance? Nothing about what the afterlife is like or are Dev and Collins mates up here? Christ on a bike”.

WWN: “Is this THE Michael Jackson?”

MJ: “The one and only, c’mere did my Therese remarry? Jonty Nolan fives doors down had a fierce want in his eyes anytime he’d look her, the prick”.

WWN: “No, Michael Jackson of the Jackson Five?”

MJ: “I was one of the brothers alright but wouldn’t know anything about us being called the Jackson Five, some cunts called us Microphone Heads on account of the curly afros we were sporting”.

WWN: “OK, let’s see… where you briefly married to Lisa Marie Presley? Did you hang your baby out the window like a madman? Did you speak with a disturbingly soft voice and retreat into a world of performative childlike wonder?”

MJ: “No this Michael Jackson, Jackson Building Supplies, Castleblayney.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Claire Voyant Clairvoyant Services do not issue refunds. Even if you clearly requested a séance with a specific, well known person and not someone she knows from the locality. She will maintain she is not breaking any consumer laws by refusing you a refund.