Author Man Claims To Have Read Dies, Age 77


MILD PANIC has set in for Dublin man Fionn Daley after the death of Paul Auster at 77, the American author he has claimed for years was his favourite.

“Fuck, fuckity fuck, shite, shittily shites the shit,” panicked Daley as had to re-research Auster’s Wikipedia entry knowing friends prone to similar flights of posturing would be expecting him to mark Auster’s passing online and in the group chats.

“Not only did write Leviathan, Paul Loster was one in the literary sense, can’t stress enough to anyone who hasn’t read his stuff you’re missing out” wrote Daley, just thankful he was not in the immediate vacinity of anyone when he discovered the news, therefor avoiding any pressure to speak without the aid of copy and pasted sections of the author’s obituary in The Guardian.

“He was the perfect author to say was my favourite because he wasn’t Stephen King like, I could get to feel superior when I explained to people why he’s class, and I wouldn’t have anyone correcting me”.

“Balls,” Daley said to himself after trying to access a pay-walled New York Times ‘Best Paul Auster Books’ article about the author, prompting Daley to remind himself to slowly reduce the number of times he lies about subscribing to the New York Times lest he be caught out on that front too.

“A titan, people usually say ‘a titan’ does ‘metatextual postmodernist’ sound wanky enough? Or ‘he put a mirror up to contemporary America’?” Daley continued in panic, slowly realising reading books takes a lot less effort than having to pretend he possesses superior cultural tastes to his friends and coworkers.