Billie Eilish Announces Plan To Bankrupt Local Father Of Three Teenage Girls


DEVASTATING news has reached midlands father-of-three teenage girls Peter McNamara in the form of a new Billie Eilish tour hitting Ireland with two dates for Dublin’s 3 Arena announced today.

“Sweet merciful Christ,” sighed McNamara after he heard the news of the radio on the way to what will have to be one of his many full time jobs.

Doing quick panic maths in his head while trying to ignore the 479 voice notes his daughters were currently sending him, McNamara reasoned that three concert tickets plus fuel plus food plus hotel rooms equals, by his estimation, to come in at roughly ‘how the fuck am I going to afford that’.

“Why can’t Ireland go back to the days of being a cultural backwater, when we’d be lucky if a Yank band would spit out the plane on us on the way to the UK,” McNamara said as he looked up which of his vital organ would fetch the biggest price on the Chinese dark web.

Eilish, the two-time Oscar winner, has been thanked by the Irish hotel industry for her tour announcement with some experts putting the gouging potential of the general public at ‘Taylor Swift levels’.

“What’s wrong with Willy Nash girls?” pleaded McNamara with his daughters as he heavily insinuated the 72-year-old lad who sings rebel songs in their local pub every Saturday could offer a more entertaining spectacle than the queen of emo girls questioning their sexuality.