“Go Woke Go Broke” Writes Unemployed 37-Year-Old Bachelor Still Living At Home With Parents

NESTLED in his PlayStation gaming chair that his parents bought him for his 39th birthday, Waterford bachelor Martin Kehoe smugly cast his eye over his latest X post with the sort of satisfaction normally reserved for a poet who had completed his magnum opus.

“Go woke, go broke,” Kehoe replied to a news article detailing the closure of a local gay-friendly nite club due to the ongoing cost-of-living crisis, “serves them right for falling into that shite,” he added of closure affecting 25 redundant staff.

Scratching off gum stains from the crotch of his ill-fitting cotton tracksuit pants he bought in Penneys in 2011, Kehoe refreshed his X feed in the hope of some leftie taking the bait only to realise he has been yet again lumped into the ‘See More Replies’ section.

“They’re shadow-banning me again!” the full-time son-of-two exclaimed, now even more furious at the world that left him behind post-leaving cert, “they did the same thing to my ‘burn it down’ reply last week on that hotel announcement about refugees, I’m going to tag Elon Musk now, it’s obviously some bot glitch, cause Elon isn’t like that at all, Elon would retweet me if he saw it”.

Realising Pawn Stars was starting in five minutes, Kehoe would now have to multi-task being a cunt online while watching his favourite day-time TV show.

“Mam! Can you make me some lunch, there’s someone wrong here on the internet and I need to spend the next couple of hours bombarding them with tweets until they block me, thanks,” he shouted, before sneaking off for his habitual pre-Pawn Stars wank.