“I’m Not On Social Media” Says Man Who Won’t Shut Up About It


PAUSING for affect after every utterance of a phrase he believes is so mind-blowing that people feel lightheaded and their legs give way, 23-year-old David Laughton is on a quest to let everyone know he isn’t on social media.

While some of his peers clock upwards of six hours of TikTok on their phones everyday, Laughton, who is just built different, devotes the same time to telling people he’s ‘not on the socials ‘cus it rots the brain’.

“Nah man, you’d be just as well taking an ice cream scooper to your brain, the damage social media does,” explained Laughton to yet another person who didn’t ask.

Some people count grabbing a guitar and clearing a room by playing a Dermot Kennedy song as their party piece, whereas Laughton’s trick seems to be chastising anyone using their phones and subjecting their to a condescending lecture.

“All that performing for people on the apps, showing off, the narcissism, you might love it but not for me,” added Laughton, whose desire to tell everyone he doesn’t do social media is driven by narcissism.

Friends have queried Laughton’s claims however, as his complete absence from social media and his apparent disdain for it hasn’t impeded his ability to be up to date on all viral posts, trends and scandals which appear on social media.

“Honestly man, I think social media is like cigarettes in the 90s, we all know the damage it does but sadly some people, thankfully not me, are addicted,” concluded Laughton, who despite not being on Twitter, sounds exactly like it.