75% Of Loser Six Year Old’s Still Don’t Own A Smart Phone

SEVENTY five percent of little cry-baby losers who even now likely play with Lego and suckle on their mommy’s teat still don’t own a smart phone, a study on behalf of online safety charity CyberSafeKids has found.

According to the survey released to mark Safer Internet Day today, just 25% of parents with six-year-old children admitted in the survey to their child owning a smart device, with the rest guaranteed to be lying through their teeth.

“Yeah right, I bet this figure is way higher so stop your bullshit,” an expert in online safety for children said, calling out the parents claiming they haven’t yet given their children a smart device, “lads, you’re not fooling anyone – don’t act like a smart device isn’t this century’s dodies”.

Today is the 21st Safer Internet Day which is marked in more than 180 countries worldwide with an odd article or two about online child safety and a brief soundbite from whatever politician is responsible for highlighting it this year.

“You probably shouldn’t give your children access to the internet considering all the horrible content that’s available online; hardcore porn, snuff videos, Rory’s Stories sketches – there’s some horrific stuff out there. Anyway, chat to you all again next year for another brief warning to ignore,” Minister for Education Norma Foley stated, ticking off her annual ‘child safety online’ bullet point for 2024.