“This Must Be What Courtney Love Felt Like In The 90s” Says Woman Having Single Glass Of Wine On A Tuesday Night

TRYING desperately to return her heart rate to a restful pace, local woman Ciara Hinnerty has found herself redefining what it is to live a debaucherous lifestyle the envy of all rock stars after reaching for a glass of wine of a Tuesday.

“At 7pm no less! Hold onto your hats, I’m like the bastard child of Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse,” cautioned Hinnerty, still riding the high of doing something so controversial and hedonistic somewhere Keith Richards’ liver is wincing in pain.

Parked on her couch watching the soaps on TV, Hinnerty’s inner thoughts began to regain some perspective as she realised what this tawdry excessive scene would look like were a housemate to walk in.

“They’d ring the guards surely, living with an out of control addict! They’d never leave their purse out on the kitchen table again, not around Mrs Heroin here, what’s become of you Ciara?” the teacher asked herself, her eyes now looking upon the ruins of a bag of crisps clearly labeled ‘share size’.

Turning her sitting room into her very own Viper Room circa 1995, Hinnerty began feeling an out of body experience.

“I don’t think I’ve ever turned the TV volume above 21. This is madness, I’m skinhead Britney, I’m ankle tag Lindsay Lohan!” Hinnerty said, looking at the shameful site of a 85% full bottle of wine.