Dock Leaves, Lourdes Water: Alternatives To Keep You Alive During HSE Medicine Shortage

THE Department of Health has reassured members of the public concerned by medicine shortages that there are numerous alternatives available to help keep people who are dependent on medicines alive for the foreseeable future.

Below is an official HSE list of alternative medicines:

Dock Leaves

Have you had your thyroid removed and your whole life depends on taking one tablet every day for the rest of your days? Look no further as common everyday doc leaves will probably be a great substitute if your local pharmacy has none in stock. Just rub your neck with one twice a day. Sorted.

Lourdes Water

It is estimated over 20 billion litres of Lourdes water is currently available in Ireland. Known to heal just about every ailment known to man, make sure to stock up on this miracle medicine blessed by Holy Mary herself who currently works full-time bottling and distributing this alternative medicine worldwide to the tune of €20mn in revenue every year. Stage four cancer? Just neck one bottle a day and you’ll be lepping around the place like a Giselle in heat. Add a drop of flat 7-Up for that extra umph.

Pissy Beds

Otherwise known as dandelions, pissy beds are great for people whose kidneys have failed. Even just picking one pissy bed and you will be sure to wet the bed that night. Forget dialysis or ACE inhibitors, pissy beds will sort those shrivelled beans out in no time.

Burnt Toast

Peptic ulcers, hernia, twisted gut? Throw away the PPIs and burn yourself some toast. The charcoal will cure everything wrong with your gut in seconds. Why not scrape the burnt bits onto your toothbrush and whiten your teeth too! Burnt toast is amazing.

Hot Water Bottle

So, we’ve sorted your organs, glands, and stomach problems out, so here’s an alternative solution to muscular and nerve issues – the humble hot water bottle. Auto immune disease? Bam, stick that hot water bottle on your bulb and you’ll be as right as rain in a couple of days. Fact.

Pint Of Guinness

The HSE has recommended Guinness for all mental health related issues. Four to five pints a night should suffice here to eradicate all manner of depression, anxiety, schizophrenia; whatever mental shit you have. Feel free to increase the dose accordingly.

Dock Leaves

Yes, we said dock leaves already but dock leaves are super medicating so worth mentioning again. So much so the Department of Health is urging people to grow allotments of dock leaves, like, acres of it if you can. You can never have enough dock leaves. Seriously, do this now before it’s too late, but more importantly, don’t worry as you’re in safe hands and everything is going to be okay.

This article may or may not be sponsored by the Department of Health.