Leo’s Totes Cool Super Awesome Guide To Climate Disaster
FRESH FROM speaking of the ‘benefits’ of global warming and climate disaster such as ‘lower heating bills’ at the unveiling of the government’s first progress report on its Climate Action Plan ‘The Shock’ AKA ‘Your Boy Leo’ AKA ‘The Big L’ AKA ‘Doc Malady’ Leo Varadkar has offered up his environmental wisdom to WWN, providing our readers with invaluable advice.
Far from being an existential threat to human existence and the planet itself, climate disaster could actually be pretty cool, at least according to the Fine Gael leader. Take it away Leo:
Lol JK. What’s up electorate? Is it just me or can the environment be, like, environ-MENTAL sometimes?
I’m here with some biodiversity bants, not climate clangers. Peeps dwell too much on the negs of the Climo, time for the upsides to Climo breakdown for once.
Okay, here comes The Shock with the electrifying positives:
1) Warmer winters means you don’t need to spend a fortune on North Face jackets. Just buy the one for when you’re skiing in the Alps with the mates, or going to Davos.
2) The effort of checking in on elderly neighbours to see if they’ve frozen to death or not will be a thing of the past, now you’ll just have to scrape them off the pavement after they melt.
3) Actually, Fine Gael will just abolish winters, that’s an election promise. Scorchio all year round. Never been sunburned on your actual bones before? Don’t worry you’ll get used to it.
4) Rising sea levels means bigger waves when surfing along what’s left of the Irish coast. Big waves means a bigger flex on the ‘gram. Your Insta Stories will be lit.
5) Forests will be lit too. Ireland is behind other countries when it comes to devastating forest fires sparked by high temperatures and what’s the point in planting all those trees if we don’t put them to use? We’re not little old Ireland anymore, we should be competing on the big stage.Why can’t we gorse fires that cause evacuations and deaths like they have over in California?
6) “Oh but Dublin will left uninhabitable by the effects of Climate Change” some idiots say, and to them I say look out the window, Fine Gael beat Climate Change to the punch on that one.
7) Biodiversity issues and food shortages? Sounds like fewer poor people to me guys. Win win!