Robert Fico Shooting: What The Lad Down The Gym Knows So Far

WHILE SLOVAKIA and the rest of Europe tries to come to terms with the attempted assassination of Solvakian PM Robert Fico, Niall Parnell, a lad from the down the gym has saved thousands of hours of investigation and police work by gaining a unique inside track to the events and the source and motivations of the shooter.

NOTE: This information was dispensed by Parnell as he vigorously dried his genitals and arse with a towel in the changing rooms before moving on to his face, so not all of the information delivered to WWN sunk it:

“You might think there’s no way this lad who had never heard of Robert Fico until yesterday could have possible absorbed extensive knowledge of Slovakia and its regional politics but you’d be wrong, this is all just a distraction so our lot can remove the Dublin portal without anyone noticing”.

“The shooter lad ran for local politics and one of his pledges was a ‘movement against violence’, so we know one thing about the shooter anyway, he’s a comedian”.

“It’s actually pretty straightforward, the weightlifting forum I’m on says he was a pro-Russian sympathiser in league with Ukraine with ties to Mossad and Hamas so need I say more?”

“With me? That shooter wouldn’t stand a chance I’d be all tsh tsh hi-yah! tsh tsh tsh! You know? He was shot in the stomach, you know what combats that? Well yeah, a bullet proof vest but what about man’s natural bullet proof vest? Rock hard abs.”

“My neighbour is Slovenian, I asked him about it and he said ‘fucked if I know’ which kind of made me think he might be involved in some way.”

“It was an inside job committed from the outisde, don’t ask me to elaborate”.

“The usual head the balls were out trying to say he was shot because he won’t back giving new powers the W.H.O but it’s much more straightforward than that, he was shot because he was pushing for Twisty Fries to return to the McDonalds menu”.

“Some eejits haven’t a clue, just talk shite about a lad they had never heard of before today, not me, I know for a fact he was trying to get another all-female Ghostbusters movie going and had to be stopped.”

“His party are blaming the media, and might use it to censor media freedoms and to be honest, fair play like, every cloud”.