Category: WORLD NEWS

“Bollocks, They Found Us”: NASA Receive First Audio From New Planets

RADIO signals emerging from the newly-discovered ‘TRAPPIST-1’ planetary system have been decoded by linguistic experts at NASA, confirming the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms who want ‘no part of Earth’s bullshit’. There was great excitement from astronomy enthusiasts earlier this week following the discovery of seven planets in the ‘habitable’ zone of a nearby solar system;… Read more »

Stop Calling Scandals ‘Something-Gate’ Media Told

THE MEDIA has been instructed to refrain from attaching the ‘gate’ suffix to all and any major or minor incidents, be they political in nature or not, as the general public has confirmed it is growing sick and tired of it. “Boris Johnston trips on a step outside an EU meeting and it’s Trip-Up-On-Step-Outside-EU-Meeting-Gate… fuck… Read more »

NASA To Confirm That Space Is Really Fucking Big

The National Aeronautics And Space Administration has issued its annual statement in which it confirms that space is, was, and continues to be head-scratchingly massive to the extent that they don’t even know what the fuck they’re looking at any more. Senior spokespeople for NASA assured astronomy enthusiasts worldwide that space is ‘so big it’ll… Read more »

Putting Pencils Between Your Knuckles & Pretending To Be Wolverine ‘Perfectly Acceptable’, Finds Study

A RECENT study has revealed that pretending to be the popular Marvel character ‘Wolverine’ by putting three pens, three pencils, three knives from the drawer or indeed three of anything between your knuckles is a perfectly normal, everyday part of being a human person. Wolverine, the tortured ex-special forces mutant featured in the X-Men series… Read more »

World War III To Be Fought Solely On Twitter

AS the world has entered a period of nuclear uncertainty not seen since the days of the Cold War, fears are growing that the declaration of World War III could lead to the decimation of the Earth’s population in a swift but decisive nuclear fire, scorching billions to death in the blink of an eye… Read more »