Lovable Chilled Out Stoner Sent In To Defuse Iran/Israel Tensions
IN AN ATTEMPT to avert further escalation and retaliation between Israel and Iran leading politicians across the world have abandoned all diplomacy efforts in favour of enlisting the help of a lovable chilled-out stoner to diffuse the situation instead.
“Lord knows we’ve no interest in solving this, so why not give Petey here a try,” said Joe Biden, as stoner Petey Deed emerged from a cloud of smoke clutching his phone which was blaring one ‘Hilarious Epic Fails’ Youtube compilation video after another.
“Broseph, if you’re my dude, and I feel like a stranger is just a dude you haven’t duded with yet, then you can call me ‘P-Weed’ like my friends do,” Deed explained to a humourless Revolutionary Guard who was unmoved by the stoner’s ice breaker question asking ‘why do our noses run but our feet smell?’
Such is the absence of leadership in the world at present, the 25-year-old professional part-time Tiktok prankster and tattoo magician Deed is seen as the most capable of helping to deflate ever-bubbling tensions.
“It’s like what even is religion? It’s not REAL-igion that’s for sure, wow, I just came up with that,” confirmed Deed, in a rare lucid moment achieved in between hours of insisting Israel and Iran just watch the Austin Power three-point turn scene, laugh, and hug it out.
Despite how he presents himself, hopes remain high Deed could be the breakthrough.
“The consensus was that this rapscallion had the most disarmingly puppy-in-human-form naivety and contentment that you couldn’t help but be charmed by him and let your blood pressure drop and your hand move away from the nuke button,” reasoned a UN official, moments before Deed was blown to smithereens by the IDF, whose AI military software identified him as a hospital.
Elsewhere, growing impatient at the intractable nature of the regional conflict and the ridiculous hippyish efforts of Deed, local office co-worker Craig Gaffney informed anyone who would listen that “Netanyahu, the Ayatollah chap, UFC octagon, winner takes it all, it’s the only way”.