Category: POLITICS

“Squatters’ Rights” Shouts Kenny As He Barricades Himself Into Taoiseach’s Office

RACING through the corridors of Leinster House pursued on foot by Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar, Enda Kenny reached the Taoiseach’s office and immediately declared “squatters’ rights” at the top of his lungs as he tried to close the door behind him. The young ministers had attempted to discuss Kenny’s leadership intentions with him, in… Read more »

McGuinness To Receive Two Separate Obituaries

TWO entirely separate obituaries are to be written for former Northern Ireland Deputy First Minister/terrorist Martin McGuinness, who passed away early this morning at the age of 66. McGuinness’ death, alleged by some hardline Unionists to have been ‘politically motivated’, has sparked fresh debate among sections of the North who still need clarification as to… Read more »

“I’ve Gone Virus!”

AN UNDERSTANDBLY delighted Taoiseach returned to Ireland from his trip to the US last week, declaring to the cabinet, opposition parties and the Irish public that he has gone virus, WWN can reveal. At an emergency meeting of the cabinet, called for purposes of a piss up, a visibly moved Enda Kenny explained how a… Read more »

How To Spend Your Water Charges Refund

DID you pay your water charges? Then cha-ching; you’re in for a nice surprise this summer, as the government begins the process of refunding around €200-€350 to each of the households that paid the onerous charge last year. With all that sweet extra cash back in your pocket, you might be thinking what’s the best… Read more »

N. Ireland Voters Torn Between Hate-Filled Unionists & Hate-Filled Nationalists

VOTERS in Northern Ireland are said to be agonising over which candidates to give their first preference vote to in today’s elections, with many torn between a hate-filled Unionist and a hate-filled Nationalist. Streams of voters leaving polling stations expressed their frustrations after being told during the last few weeks about the wealth of candidates… Read more »

“Heads Will Definitely, Probably, Maybe, Not Roll,” Taoiseach Confirms After Grace Report

READING from the same carefully prepared statement issued the last 49 times, a report into the HSE revealed myriad shortcomings in the health service which had catastrophic implications for vulnerable members of society, Taoiseach Enda Kenny explained that there may be an extremely remote chance of consequences for those responsible for the failure to protect… Read more »

European Think Tank Fills Useless Bollocks Position

THE Institute of International and European Affairs (IIEA) has today confirmed it has filled a previously advertised position for a useless bollocks with former Irish Taoiseach, Brian Cowen. Funded by big business, including AIB, Bank of Ireland, building giant CRH, Denis O’Brien’s Digicel, Google and Goldman Sachs, the non-profit policy research body said it was delighted to also announce that John… Read more »