Government Can’t Wait For Return To Normality Where They Don’t Have To Care About Health Service, Special Needs, Mental Health, Any Of It


IT may seem at times like our politicians can’t relate to the experiences of the common man, but when it comes to the Covid-19 pandemic, they’re as eager for a return to normality as any member of the unwashed masses, WWN can reveal.

“There was a time when people didn’t even think about what we were doing from one end of the year to the next, but now we’re under constant, on-the-hour scrutiny from everyone and it’s exhausting, I don’t mind telling you” said Taoiseach Micheál Martin, drinking his tea from a mug with the slogan ‘I didn’t sign up for this!’ on it – a gift from his predecessor and new best friend Leo Varadkar.

Similarly the Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly had always believed the health portfolio to be a ‘doss brief’, instead of being at the frontline of intense questioning on a daily basis.

“I’m like everyone else, I just can’t wait ’til this is all over and the only work I have to do is deflect from the soaring costs of the Children’s Hospital once every six months or so” mused Donnelly, via a series of emojis.

Across government, ministers are hoping for a ‘best case scenario’ where life returns to normal at a time that leads to no follow-up on any of the things that were promised to the public as part of a ‘get back to normal’ campaign.

“So we pivoted our stance on special needs funding from ‘who cares’ to ‘we deeply care’ in a bid to get a few schools opened and a few thousand parents back to work so we could get the revenue from them” explained one government source.

“And ideally that would take us up to the summer where we can go back to not caring, then the pandemic is over by September so we can go back to our original stance on not giving a fuck. If we’re still in pandemic city by then… Jesus. It just goes on. The state of nursing homes, the Leaving Cert, fucking bike lanes! Everything!”.

As vaccination roll-out trundles along slowly but surely, the government have admitted that they regret making such a big deal about people’s mental health as that one ‘really has the potential to come back and bite us in the balls’.