Teacher Already Knows Which Snotty Kid Is Going To Give Her Coronavirus


“I CAN’T believe I stayed under lockdown for five long months and now I’m probably going to be brought down by that drip-nosed little shit Declan O’Conlon” sighed Waterford primary school teacher Eilish Mallone, dolefully reading the government’s daily ‘this is what we’re doing about schools, for real this time’ announcement.

“Last year he gave me and half the class conjunctivas, hand, foot and mouth, and the vomiting bug, twice! We’ll be back a week and he’ll have us all killed”.

With the current government guidelines for back to school still 90% ‘maybe’ and ‘we’ll see’, teachers, staff and parents remain in the dark as to how to handle the rigours of school life in a Covid-19 world, to the point where Ms. Mallone has already begun to formulate plans to stay safe against more infectious pupils.

“Declan O’Conlon is going to get a hell of a lot of Marla time all by himself down the back of the class,” stated Mallone.

“Extended ‘teigh a chodladh’ breaks for that little asymptomatic carrier and he can put his homework in a plastic bag – I’ll mark it in a fortnight,” adding, “God, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just pick a class of ten kids we know wouldn’t be snottering all over the place? There’s kids you could let blow on your face all day and know you’d be grand”.

Plan B for Mallone is to contract Covid019 now and hopefully be immune by September, which the government admits ‘doesn’t seem like a bad idea’.