Nation Beginning To Regret Basing Entire Economy On The Absolute Craic

“WE as a nation have become way too dependent on being gas bastards, and our unwillingness to adapt to a lower-craic environment may prove to be unsustainable and ultimately, our downfall” stated a solemn Micheál Martin today, after delaying Phase 4 and the re-opening of pubs around the country for the second time.

“For too long, we have attracted investment and tourism into our country with the promises of hoolies, lock-ins, sessions, hard ceilis, and if not the ride, then at least the shift. Covid-19 has been a wake-up call to us all that without our craic, our entire economy is on very precarious ground”.

The statement from the Taoiseach made for grim reading for almost 3,500 publicans who are yet to re-open their doors since the Coronavirus lockdown, well, not officially anyway.

“What the Taoiseach fails to grasp is that we’re operating in a two-speed craic environment, and that the dour, sup-two-pints-and-drive-home craic of a rural pub is not to blame for the state the country is in right now” argued one angry rural publican, while eyeing up an insurance form and a match.

“It’s not our fault that Covid-19 has exposed the Irish economy as a house of cards built on tax-dodging multinationals, the Guinness Storehouse and young ones sculling naggins out of their handbags. All we want is a return to selling 18 pints to six aul lads over the course of a week. We’ll even give them a €9 panini if that makes a difference”.

Meanwhile, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar has agreed that the nation is in one hell of a pickle, but he has every faith that Taoiseach Martin will figure it all out.