Queen Reads Prince Andrew Sexual Allegations Without Flicker Of Emotion

THE Queen has expressed her disappointment after reading an account of the sexual allegations against her son Prince Andrew, stating that it’s nothing out of the ordinary for the Royals.

“When I read the document recalling Andy’s past with minors I was slightly disappointed if I’m honest, it’s just not up to par with what we expect from the house of Windsor and Mountbatten” stated the Queen, referring to the families long list of sexual impropriety.

“When you compare what this Virginia Giuffre is claiming to what Uncle Henry was alleged to have been up to before he was blown up, it hardly raises an eyebrow. A bath? Toe-sucking? Mere ‘sex’? Meh. And underage? She was practically an old maid by Royal standards!”.

Having failed to acquire the adequate adrenaline rush needed to sustain her lifeforce from reading about her favourite son’s ‘vanilla’ shenanigans, the Queen admitted she was forced to take drastic action to maintain her health and the health of her aging husband, Prince Phillip.

“Look at Phillip there – he’s practically a corpse. He could have done with a nice sordid tale of debauchery,” she sighed.

“So we dove into our video nasty collection for a few hours; Last House On The Left, some classic Liveleak murder videos, Andy’s Newsnight interview,” adding, “misery and pain keeps the blood pumping – the heart young”.

The Queen concluded that she ‘didn’t want her time wasted with any more of this lame story’, and to only trouble her when there’s something really nasty, ideally featuring ‘that Markle trollop’.