“Restrictions Are Only For Peasants” Defends Johnson


AS THE callous media continue to make provoked, fact-based assaults on the Tory government, UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has bravely defended his senior adviser Dominic Cummings for being caught once again breaking lockdown rules, stating the restrictions were now for peasants only.

“Listen, you plebs, I lied to the Queen for God’s sake, so lying to you lot is a walk in the park for me,” Johnson told the assembled press outside number 10 this morning, now looking at his watch like he had somewhere more important to be, “besides, I estimate that in about 12 hours or so you’ll all have forgotten about this Cummings nonsense so we’re just going to tough it out until then. Right, I’m off to the beach for the day. Toodle-loo”.

Following the press briefing, WWN decided to knock on the doors of other Downing St residents in a bid to investigate whether more senior officials have been adhering to the lockdown laws.

“They are coming and going all day,” explained a woman peering through the letter-box of Number 14, “they’ve all sorts walking around in there and if I hear them playing Frank Sinatra’s ‘My Way’ and laughing manically one more time I swear I’ll report them to the police”.

With Tory spin doctors now hastily rewriting old lockdown restriction advice in a panic so it looks like Cummings did nothing wrong, an angry British public wants to know why they couldn’t be with their dying loved ones in their final moments, yet Cummings could go for a 260km drive.

“Fuck you,” explained Johnson to the public. “Fuck you all”.