Buying Shit Online You Don’t Need, A Guide

DURING tough times people seek ways to comfort and reward themselves, and rightly so. Takeaways and junk food are a welcome respite, but some people go that extra mile by buying shite they absolutely don’t need via the artform of online shopping.

For those unfamiliar with the pastime of scrolling endlessly through pages of impractical items for sale that you would have no use for, WWN has provided an easy guide on how to throw much-needed money away:

“I sad. Me need shiny”

This is the mindset required when embarking on the intoxicating journey of click, add to basket, enter checkout, delivery address is same as billing address, CVV number is 956. It’s basic science; if you’re feeling low everything will be magically better if you buy the shiny thing.

“But it’s on special offer”

Think of this phrase as your robust chainmail armour and shield against unhelpful ‘logical thoughts’ in your head that try to dissuade you from ‘me buy now, feel better forever’.

With no sign of a nightclub opening before the middle of 2021, of course you need those 12 dresses from Pretty Little Thing, it’s €10 euro off on every €100 spent, you’re no economics genius, but they’re giving it away. A bespoke 14-foot tall crystal chandelier that wouldn’t fit in your pokey one-bed apartment is on special-fucking-offer? Buy now, regret later.

Companies who have invested in a highly complex, targeted marketing that seeks to manipulate your emotions using behavioural science are wasting their money. ‘10% off’ works on online shoppers whether it’s a silver udder piercing for the cow you don’t own or some IKEA furniture.

“My purchase is actually central to the economic recovery of the world”

That’s right, break out the big guns. The world’s economy is crashing and what better way to breath life back into it than by buying unnecessary tat that’ll rip, shrink or break. You buying meaningless shite is kinda what keeps the whole global economy running. So maybe don’t don’t think too hard about whether or not you need an Apple Watch, just buy one. You’re saving the planet.

Well, bet you didn’t think you accidentally buying a pair of cheap trainers you forgot already owned would lead to you being labelled a hero on par with a doctor saving lives, but that’s what you are – a hero.