Coming To Terms With The Fact Your Boyfriend Isn’t Connell From Normal People


AHEAD of Normal People actor Paul Mescal’s induction into the Irish Rides Hall of Fame scheduled for later this week, it may be the perfect time to finally come to terms with the fact your boyfriend isn’t Connell from the lauded book and critically acclaimed TV series.

Okay, so when your boyfriend does his inarticulate grunting affirmation thing he sounds like a brainless caveman trying to work out the lock screen on an iPhone, unlike Connell, whose subtle guttural stammer sounds like the anguished cries of someone trying to articulate the deepest, most revealing secrets contained within the chambers of their fragile heart.

And yeah, your boyfriend refuses to wear any of the 14 chains you bought him from the Argos catalogue since you first laid eyes on Connell’s one. But is anyone perfect?

And we suppose, yeah, Connell actually knows what he’s doing in the bedroom, whereas your boyfriend treats pleasuring you like learning a foreign language; something he always says he wants to learn to do and will get around to eventually when he has the time and yet never does. But is it too much to ask for you to come to terms with the fact he’s not Connell?

Fair, your boyfriend is just as bad, if not worse at communicating as Connell is, but you don’t get lost in his eyes the way you do in Connell’s deep, dreamy blues. Is that really your boyfriend’s fault?

Your boyfriend actually possesses a sense of humour, which is fuck all competition really against someone who causes orgasmic floods anytime he pensively stares off into the middle distance.

Granted, when Connell pours his heart out, it’s like a thousand rain storms have made landfall, cascading down your cheeks, but when your boyfriend moans about how ‘you never listen to me or take my feelings into account’ it’s like shut up already you whiny prick.

Can you accept that Connell understands Marianne’s thoughts, desires, worries and hopes on a deep, subterranean level, but the closest your boyfriend got was when he brought you that Twirl back from Centra that one time even though you didn’t ask him to get you anything?

It could always be worse; you could be stuck going out with a Jamie in fairness.

This article was brought to you by the Concerned Boyfriend’s Association Of Ireland.