“Surrounded By Guys In Masks; What Is This, My Birthday?” Asks Pence

US VICE-President Mike Pence needed urgent medical care following a tour of the Coronavirus clinic in the Mayo Medical Centre in Minnesota, after becoming weak at the sight of so many people wearing face masks and lying on beds.

“Is it just me, or is it hot in here?” swooned Pence, who didn’t wear a mask because he has a note from Mother, and also a note from his mother.

“Jeez, give a guy some room, would ya? All these big strong men in masks, it reminds me of when I… well, never mind. A movie I watched once, yeah, that’s right. Eyes Wide Shut. Terrible thing. All that adultery and sin; Godless”.

Pence went on to defend his decision to not wear a face mask during the trip, stating that he gets tested for Covid-19 ‘all the time’.

“The big swab that goes all the way back to your brain, yeah I get that done all the time, it doesn’t bother me at all” stated Pence, while saying his 3pm rosary.

“Besides, I’ve got big G up there looking after me, the main man, the Holy Kahuna himself. God, you heathen. God is all you need to keep yourself free of these Chinese germs. In there I saw a lot of people wearing face masks; clearly they have no faith. Maybe that’s why Muslims wear those Burkas, you ever think of that?’

Mr. Pence was informed that he probably should wear a mask to cut down on the risk of him transferring Covid-19 to President Donald Trump, as the loss of the president at this time would mean a shot at the presidency for Pence himself.

“Is that so?” asked Pence, rubbing his hands on a Coronavirus patient before heading off to an Oval Office meeting.