Dealers Now Offering ‘Dial-A-Line’ Service


COKE-strapped punters in the south east are today hailing a local dealer’s new dial-a-line delivery as ‘a groundbreaking service to the community’ and ‘a welcome addition to the house party scene’.

“I’ve been having the lads around to the house for a few cans every weekend since lockdown started, and we’ve noticed that the one thing missing from the night is a key bump every half hour,” said one Waterford man we spoke to.

“But with a quick call to my man Adam Jennings from around the way, we can have a line delivered to our door within 20 minutes. Safe as fuck too, he just knocks at the door, collects the money from under the mat, and by the time we land out he’s gone, leaving just a sweet white line on the doorstep for us”.

Jennings, known locally as ‘that fucking scumbag’, doesn’t wish to be known as a hero for his innovation; for him, it’s just all part of the service.

“Some lads only look after their punters in the good times, but to me, a great dealer looks after his punters all the time,” explained Jennings, while dropping off two lines to a man on the way to a job interview.

“And of course, I abide by all the imposed restrictions, the 2km radius, and all that. I’m not an idiot! I just want everyone to stay safe and well, off their faces, in their homes. Or at least in the home of someone they trust. Or wherever really, I don’t care to be honest, as long as they have my money and I don’t have to go looking for it because if I have to go looking for it, you know what that means”.

We did not press Jennings on what he meant, but we assume it means his equally famous ‘dial-a-kneecapping’ service.