Exclusive: The Taoiseach’s Next Pop Culture Heavy Speech Leaked


FRESH from becoming to the Meme King of Ireland after dropping iconic Terminator dialogue into his last address to the nation, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar is bathing in the warm glow of affection he is completely unaccustomed to as a much maligned leader of the country.

In a bid to secure himself further respite from being called the bastard love child of Margaret Thatcher and a DVD copy of American Psycho, the Taoiseach’s next speech is set to include even more pop culture nods and whatever else it takes to bamboozle simple minded voters into saying ‘ah, leave him be, he’s dead sound sure didn’t he do the Terminatoring during a speech’.

WWN has exclusively obtained a leaked copy of Taoiseach’s next speech and reproduced it below:

[Note: Moonwalk to the podium like the ledge-bag you are.]

“Hakuna Matata, Wakanda forever and may the force be with you fellow my Irish brothers and sisters! How you doin’?

If the past few weeks have taught us anything it is that there’s no place like home. In my last speech I told you we’re going to need a bigger lockdown as what we have here is a failure to communicate. No diggity, we’re going to have to bag it up. The virus has made it clear it is the one who knocks, it is the danger, thread lightly.

Since my last epic speech my mother has said life is like a box of chocolates and frankly my dear I don’t give a damn, we need to boldly go where every man has gone before in search of comfort; to the couch and stay there. We’re living way beyond our memes.

As we’ve seen from some responses around the world I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right and I’m stuck in a pandemic with you.

[Wink to camera now, maybe do finger guns. Too far?]

Don’t make unnecessary journeys, careful now, down with this sort of thing, RTÉ news man falling on ice video remix video, who’s going to take the horse to France? Deal or no deal, our survey says you like how I’m handling this pandemic, is that your final answer? If we keep this up Mary Lou and Micheál will be the weakest link, goodbye.

We’re trying to flatten the curve, and reduce the numbers but remember Covid-19 only has to be lucky once. We have to be lucky always. Give your hands a wash and the war on Covid-19 will be over soon.

[Pause for dramatic effect as all the Shinners slowly realise a Fine Gael Taoiseach just paraphrase-quoted the mother-fucking IRA. Possible mic drop?]

We trust in our health care workers and thank everyone on the front lines, the truth is out there. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose – that’s from Friday Night Lights guys, can’t recommend it enough, the Simons were banging on about it for years, but with being stuck inside I gave it a lash over the weekend, it’s class. Also, you can’t beat The Wire.

This virus is fast and furious, it’s shaken not stirred, keep your friends close but your enemies closer – this is an offer you can’t refuse. Just keeping swimming.

Now is the time to shashay away into your own homes and lockdown for your lives. Hasta la vista, baby!”

[Tear up speech and throw it up in the air, press play on The Police’s ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’, or maybe REM’s ‘It’s The End Of The World’?]