Johnson Can’t Get Smell Of Northern Ireland Off Clothes

TORY leader hopeless Boris Johnson has run up at £30,000 dry cleaning bill after failing to get the putrid stench of Northern Ireland and its border piffle off his clothes.

“Board-her? I hardly know her,” Johnson said in his trademark wit in response to a question about the Irish border he was incapable of answering because as put by a Tory insider; ‘who gives a fuck about these savages?’

Having made a flying visit with Jeremy Hunt as part of leadership hustings during which both men displayed the sort of knowledge about Northern Ireland a brain damaged snail would be embarrassed to possess, Johnson’s clothes began to absorb the inconvenient air particles of the 6 counties.

“The neediness of it all, the desperation – it’s like cigarette smoke it just ruins a good suit jacket. Boris has been dry heaving constantly, it’s one thing to actually expect him to care about them when they’re so insignificant but it’s another to have that linger in your clothes after you managed to escape,” explained one Johnson aide.

Before speeding through traffic to get to the airport and out of Northern Ireland Johnson took a detour to Belfast’s Titanic museum to get a sense of how Britain under his leadership would go.

Both Johnson and Hunt gave promises about a ‘technological solution’ to the Irish border which does not exist, however, experts believe we are still centuries away from a technological solution to Boris Johnson.