Dublin Beaches Now Dirtier Than Yer Ma

A NEWLY published report by The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has confirmed that the majority of beaches around the capital city are now dirtier than yer ma, which is the agency’s highest contamination warning to date.

Despite a recent all clear following contamination from the Ringsend Wastewater Treatment Plant last week, the EPA stated that just like yer ma, many of the beaches have now been labelled “dirt birds”, and to avoid “dipping yer wick” in them at all costs.

“I wouldn’t even touch them with yours, pal, wha’?” an official spokesman for the EPA said, highlighting that the treatment plant is failing to meet national and European Union treatment standards, “you’d want ta be wearin’ abou’ 20 johnnies goin’ in there so yis would… or de micky will be hangin’ off yis”.

Up until now, several beaches have been recognised by the EPA as “grand for the aul ride'”, but due to a brown coloured plume seeping from the treatment plant, have since been downgraded to your mother’s current social status and general reputation.

“Pure filthy, they are,” the EPA confirmed, “they’d put yer ma to shame now with the bleedin’ state of them”.

The Ringsend plant treats approximately 40% of the country’s wastewater, which in stark contrast isn’t much when compared to the vast number of men your mother treats, wha’?