ANYONE currently awaiting treatment for ailments ranging from chronic piles to chronic pyorrhoea have been advised to check with their local hospital to see if their appointment has been cancelled, after the HSE admitted that cutbacks have decimated its supply of Dettol, and the one wire brush owned by the health executive is ‘fucked’.
Furthermore, the HSE announced that while they still have any amount of lemons left, they’re running perilously low on any other form of medicine, with the last of the Rooster’s Nerve Tonic used up last weekend, and the supply of Dr. Hoople’s Miraculous Healing Elixir (With Free Bar Of Soap) long, long gone.
While the shortages have caused massive concern among the sick and injured in the country, a spokesperson for Minister For Health Simon Harris has assured the public that they are in good hands when it comes to their healthcare.
“Lads, relax, my Da knows a lad with the cure for the whooping cough” said the spokesperson, filling in for Simon Harris who has come down with a nasty bout of fuckthisitis.
“We have you sorted, don’t worry. We got a good deal on Lemsips up the north, and one of the lads was in America for his holidays and brought home a 500-bottle of Advil, so there’s plenty to go around for a good while yet. If all fails, we’ll give you sick notes so at least you can have a few days off work. Be grand”.
The HSE has stressed that they’re also out of hand sanitiser in hospitals, so if you plan to visit a loved one then maybe try splashing a bit of Aldi vodka on your hands before you enter.