THE latest weather report from Met Éireann has confirmed the nation’s worst fears; that although the next couple of weeks will remain bitterly cold, it will not reach a point where we all get a free day off work again. Satellite imaging has shown that there does not appear to be a ‘Beast From The… Read more »
ANYONE currently awaiting treatment for ailments ranging from chronic piles to chronic pyorrhoea have been advised to check with their local hospital to see if their appointment has been cancelled, after the HSE admitted that cutbacks have decimated its supply of Dettol, and the one wire brush owned by the health executive is ‘fucked’. Furthermore, the… Read more »
AN APPARENT psychopath has declared his fondness for shite and inclement weather, specifically the horrid unremitting bleakness associated with the depths of winter, WWN can reveal. Andy Colgan (33) has been eagerly anticipating the drop in temperature, the reduction in light in the evenings, the increase in the chill and rain since the end of… Read more »
FOR many, the Winter Solstice is the perfect time of year to come together in pagan worship, as the first sun of the shortest day of the year cracks across the Boyne horizon and showers Newgrange with light. But for some, the wounds of December 21st, 1989 still run too deep. It started like any other Winter… Read more »
IN A bid to pass the time, one intrepid Waterford man has taken to guessing the illness, ailment and sexually transmitted disease of every fellow patient currently waiting to be seen by a local GP. “The time really flies, this is great craic,” man flu victim Thomas Sharnley told himself as he diagnosed an octogenarian… Read more »
The WWN is sad to report that the unseasonable seasonal weather has claimed the lives of the entire population of Ireland and possibly the planet, leaving only you, whoever you are. This automated message has been delivered thanks to the Fucking Baltic Out There Act 1981 (FBOTA), which was passed by the Dáil and to… Read more »
THE Irish weather has issued a statement in which it warns the public to be aware of sweeping statements blowing westerly across the country from the headquarters of Met Éireann, which will pick up speed and ferocity as the month of December rolls in. The missive explained how the gusts of panic and dread will… Read more »
THE complex thermodynamic solution required to make sure the average workplace is at a temperature that suits each one of its employees may never be found, warned a group of heating specialists yesterday. Comprised of experts in the field of window opening, radiator fiddling and breeze location, the think-tank confirmed that finding an answer to… Read more »