THE complex thermodynamic solution required to make sure the average workplace is at a temperature that suits each one of its employees may never be found, warned a group of heating specialists yesterday.
Comprised of experts in the field of window opening, radiator fiddling and breeze location, the think-tank confirmed that finding an answer to the combination of personal heating requirements, clothing, and proximity to heat sources or open doors would require a level of quantum computing technology that simply does not exist today.
“Now look at this sample group right here,” said Dr. Malcolm Dresderg, pointing at CCTV footage of a typical-looking Waterford office.
“Now watch subject X, from accounts. Watch how he walks to the window and open it to let some air in, which disturbs subject Y, who now complains of the cold. Watch as she shuts the window and turns up the radiator, which then irks subjects V, J, and P over in HR. None of this is suitable for subject F, who is sat beside the front door shivering with the cold in a wooly coat”.
“This leads itself to an eternal running commentary in the office, or the shop, or the restaurant or wherever it is, a constant din of ‘oh, is nobody else very warm?’ and ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m freezing’… listen to them there, furiously complaining. Yes Sharon, we know it’s fucking freezing. it’s the fifth time you’ve said that in the last five fucking minutes. No, don’t bother putting on that jumper, that’d make too much sense. Jesus wept like”.
We then waited to speak to another member of Dr. Dresberg’s team, who had stepped outside to get a breath of fresh air because the clinic was ‘fucking sweatbags’.