NEARLY two hundred and eighty people were raped and another one hundred and forty four were murdered during a reenactment rehearsal of the Viking invasion of Waterford City yesterday morning. As an eerie calm descended on the scorched streets today, distraught survivors recounted a fresh catalogue of horrors committed by local volunteers who just seem… Read more »
FACEBOOK will unveil a brand new setting which will allow users to automatically hide friends X-Factor comments and posts, turning the social network into a more desirable destination on the web. Founder Mark Zuckerberg will launch the setting as part of a new approach in ‘stamping out stupidity’ at a brief conference on the 21st… Read more »
JESUS CHRIST has postponed his second coming today after hearing news of a possible Apple I-Phone 6 launch in the coming weeks. The only son of God said he will defer his decision to return to the earth until further notice and wishes Apple all the best with their launch. “It was just bad timing… Read more »
A RECENTLY discovered tribe, located in the Amazon jungle, have told tourists and local media outlets that they already despise Justin Bieber and now wish to be left alone. In a recent press release, the Peruvian government confirmed the existence of an uncontacted tribe of about 150 people living in the Amazon jungle, who at… Read more »
TENS of confused people were said to be ‘alleviated’ today after an elderly woman confirmed there was ‘miserable weather outside’ whilst waiting in a queue for the post office. Sources say many customers were disorientated when they initially entered the building; not knowing what the hell was happening outside. “I remember having my umbrella up… Read more »
HIS FLAT was destroyed, his underwear soiled and all he can remember is leaving Geoff’s shortly after midnight. Ninety eight the Glen had been transformed from a beacon of international development to a giant narco-farm controlled by a group of homosexual travellers. All in the space of 24 hours. But unemployed deli assistant, Tony Watts,… Read more »
A YOUNG TOPLESS man, wearing a gold chain around his neck and grey tracksuit pants said people walking around the park in Waterford today thought he was ‘well hard’ and vowed to keep bare chested for as long as the sun shines. The 23-year-old unemployed man, named locally as Patrick ‘Patch’ Hollihan, said nothing, made… Read more »
INSURANCE BROKER Cyril Murray could hardly contain his delight this morning after finally getting ‘the shift’ in The Foundry nightclub last night after a six year ‘dry spell’. The 48-year-old Dunmore man had originally intended to just go for the one after work and then make it back to his apartment in Ardkeen in time… Read more »
THE fashion decision by Portlaw man Thomas Long to wear skinny jeans around the village has branded him as ‘a bit of a character’ amongst locals, a source has claimed today. Long (22), who moved from Carrick-On-Suir in 1992, was spotted two weeks ago waiting for the bus into town by long time resident Peggy… Read more »
A large pile of steaming shit is being tipped to be the winning act on RTE’s ‘singing’ competition The Voice of Ireland. The one-piece pile of excrement has been given the best odds by bookmakers Paddy Power to snatch the two fingered crown at the finals in April. The Voice judges were ‘blown away’ by… Read more »