Category: HEALTH

Man Tests Positive For Pro-Varadkar Thoughts

THE FAMILY of a normally staunch anti-Fine Gael man have spoken out after he tested positive for a number of pro-Varakar thoughts in recent days, warning others to keep an eye out for similar symptoms. “It started out with the odd positive comment or two, before he broke out into nonstop feverish praise, but the… Read more »

Number Of Drunk Idiots In A&E Falls To 250 Year Low

SCIENTISTS are investigating a possible side effect of Coronavirus infection spread after startling data from Irish A&E departments show a stark drop in the number of avoidable drink-fueled injuries, minor complaints and non-life threatening illnesses, WWN can report. Casualty departments across Ireland are showing almost zero waiting lists for the first time in nearly 250… Read more »

WHO Confirm You Picked Wrong Year To Quit Drinking

ALTHOUGH agreeing that your declaration that 2020 was ‘your year’ was a noble one, the World Health Organisation has stated that the current Coronavirus crisis has probably put the clamps on your plans to remain drug and alcohol free, as well as any notion that you might ‘run the marathon’ as well. Hundreds of thousands… Read more »

Teresa Mannion Attached To Megaphone With Responsibility For Enforcing Self-Isolation

AS AUTHORITIES note that large swathes of the country seem to be struggling with the idea of social distancing and self-isolation or outright ignoring the concepts, Ireland has released its most potent weapon against unnecessary journeys. Strapped atop of a vehicle, megaphone glued to hand and charged with roaming the streets to plead for complete… Read more »

Divorce Rates Skyrocket As Couples Forced Into Self-Isolation

A SPOKESPERSON for co-habiting couples around the world has said that precautionary self-isolation action needed to stave off the spread of Covid-19 could result in a cataclysmic rise in divorce rates if couples are forced to spend two solid weeks of uninterrupted exposure to their partners in a confined setting. “Please, oh God, there’s got… Read more »

Ireland Officially Changes Covid-19 Status From “Be Grand” To “Alright, Fair Enough”

WITH TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar confirming the need to temporarily close schools, creches and colleges along with guidelines on limiting public gatherings and events to limit Covid-19 spread, the Irish people have come together as one and officially agreed to raise Ireland’s emergency preparedness levels above “sure it’ll be grand” for the first time in its… Read more »